Why Do We Try to Control Things We Cannot Change?
By Gunja Maurya (Therapist)
Have you ever noticed that we often spend the most time thinking about things that are not actually in our control? What someone thinks about us, how another person behaves, what will happen in the future, or whether a relationship will remain the same—these are things we cannot always control. Yet our mind keeps going back to them again and again.
One reason is that having a sense of control makes us feel safe. When things happen according to our expectations, we feel more comfortable and secure. But when a situation is uncertain or beyond our control, we may start feeling anxious and restless. We keep thinking that if we think about it enough, we might find a way to make things better.
This becomes especially noticeable in relationships. We may want another person to understand us, behave differently, or respond in the way we expect. We can explain our feelings, communicate our needs, and change our own behaviour, but we cannot completely control another person’s thoughts, emotions, or decisions.
The same happens with the past. We may repeatedly think about what we should have said or done differently. Learning from the past can be helpful, but changing it is not possible. When we stay stuck in these thoughts we may lose focus on the present.
Letting go of control does not mean giving up. It means understanding the difference between what we can change and what we cannot.
The next time something keeps bothering you, ask yourself “Is this within my control?” If it is, take one small step. If it is not, gently bring your attention back to what you can manage.
We do not need to control everything to feel okay. Sometimes, peace begins when we learn to accept what we cannot change.
