We often want to give 100% in a relationship when we love someone. We invest ourselves because we want the relationship to survive or even last forever. But this desire for a lasting relationship can come from a fear of being alone and a fear that the relationship will end. To avoid loss, we may compromise our self-respect or change our values.
When you bend your values to keep a relationship, you carry internal conflict and unhappiness. Relationships are not perfect. Two people will argue and have different opinions. The problem is that it’s hard to tell when a disagreement is a normal difference and when you are devaluing yourself.
When the need to preserve a relationship leads you to give up your boundaries, “FAST” a DBT skill can help. FAST teaches how to keep self-respect in relationships while staying connected.
F – Fair
Being fair means understanding your partner’s point of view while also being clear about your own needs. It’s important to balance both perspectives rather than sacrificing one for the other.
A – Apologize (only when needed)
Saying sorry can be healthy after a real mistake. But we often over-apologize for small differences or simply for having our own needs. Don’t apologize for having different values or for setting boundaries.
S – Stick to your values
Hold on to your values even during disagreements. Having different opinions is normal; compromising your core values to avoid conflict leads to resentment and internal distress. Stick to what matters to you.
T – Truthful
Be honest about your feelings and needs. Don’t exaggerate, minimize, or hide your truth to protect the other person. Suppressing emotions to keep the peace undermines your values and creates internal turmoil. Being truthful builds authentic trust.
Using FAST helps you stay respectful and connected without losing yourself. It’s okay to want a relationship to last; just make sure that desire doesn’t come at the cost of your self-respect.
