Does Belongingness Come At The Cost Of Individuality?
~ Jiya Chopra, Intern
Wondering about other people’s opinions is echoed in countless households, often long before we’re old enough to comprehend what it actually means. From deciding on a career, to picking a spouse, to expressing a viewpoint, or just saying “no” for many of us, the notion of choice has always existed alongside an external awareness. Our decisions always seem, in part, not our own; they feel connected, in some intrinsic way, to family, community, and what ‘should’ be.
This kind of cultural reasoning takes root in collectivist communities, where individual rights are sometimes secondary to the well-being of a group. In the culture of India, for instance, family isn’t just a support network, it is a person’s identity. Grandparents raising grandchildren, shared responsibilities of brothers and sisters, and neighbours turning into extended kin-collectivists don’t just love their family: it defines them. All this is what the Westerners admire about us in collecting community spirit. However, not all virtues bring benefits.
Every strength has its other pole. In such societies of conformity, often, one learns to be compliant as he grows up since respect often comes with unquestioning behaviour. Kids who do what the elders or authority say are ‘nice’ people.
These learnings are, for instance, not to show disagreement with our seniors, to always listen and put the family ahead. While learning to respect traditions and taking care of people can protect harmony and unity in a family, it eventually starts creating an inability to respond to a single, rather important question: “what do I want?”. Picture an individual who always wanted to be an artist, but ended up becoming an engineer, considering it as the most ‘appropriated’ career path. Another, stuck in a miserable relationship because saying ‘no’ would hurt their loved ones more than themselves.
For some, this might just be struggling with depression and anxiety internally, without even thinking about seeking help, fearing judgement and humiliation. This doesn’t mean our loved ones deliberately inflict pressure, but our strong desire to belong with our near and dear ones sometimes forces us to make ourselves unheard from within, long before anyone else can dismiss us. Psychologists believe that being a social animal, the innate human desire for belonging is as vital to survival as our need for food and water, especially if it grants security. And for us collectivists, especially in India where family acts as identity, preserving this belonging often becomes our paramount.
Obedience, consequently, isn’t just adherence to some rule; it is a way to uphold our connection with those we love-not at their cost of love, but often ours. But, the problem arises where such obedience doesn’t allow space for individuality. If our love for our family demands blind agreement or total surrender, then we ought to begin questioning if it even is love at all. Being loved by family shouldn’t necessitate the sacrifice of your true thoughts, decisions, or feelings, nor should respect mean you remain silent.
On the other hand, it is a known fact that our family bonds often become tighter, when each member of the family feels safe and respected enough to express themselves with honesty, no matter how difficult they might be. Also it is important not to confuse being a collectivist with blind followership. Many collectivist families and societies have encouraged debate and individual choices, while upholding their cultures and traditions.
Following a different path doesn’t equate to rejecting your own identity; it implies recognizing one’s entitlement to self-Discovery without losing connection.
As the younger generations continue growing and evolving in this globalised society, many find themselves striving to balance two crucial aspirations-maintaining strong bonds with their families and developing a strong personal identity. This can be a challenge at times and disagreements are unavoidable. However, they should not have to cripple our relationships at the end of day, agreements come through discussions and respect. Maybe, then, a strong collectivist society isn’t one which raises a generation of people who passively obey but people who care so deeply they find space to also cherish each other’s identity, because family isn’t only in what you say, but the respect in how you say, no matter what the subject.
Ultimately, the strongest families aren’t always the ones that have everyone chanting the same hymn; they’re the ones with a chorus for all the individual voices within them.
