Willingness and willfulness are two ideas from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed by Marsha Linehan. Willingness means being ready to take part fully in life as it is. It is doing what the moment needs, wholeheartedly and without dragging your feet, while acting from your “wise mind,” the balance of your emotional and logical thinking. It also includes a sense of being connected to the world around you. For example, if you are stuck in traffic, willingness is accepting that you will be late, calling ahead, and putting on some calming music.
Willfulness is the opposite. It is refusing to tolerate the moment, refusing to make changes that are needed, or giving up on what works. A willful person often tries desperately to fix everything, insists on being in control, and stays tied to getting their own way. In the same traffic jam, willfulness is honking, gripping the wheel, and insisting this “should not be happening.” Willfulness can also look like giving up, such as refusing to attend therapy because “nothing will help.” In therapy, the goal is to gently replace willfulness with willingness. Willingness does not mean approving of a situation or giving in to it. It means accepting reality so you can respond to it effectively.
Willingness can be built step by step. First, notice when you are being willful and name it (“I am being willful right now”). Then experience the feeling without judging it, and accept that it is there. Next, turn your mind toward acceptance and willingness. This turning may need to be repeated many times, even within a single day. Two body-based practices can help: half-smiling and willing hands. The idea behind both is that the body sends signals to the brain, so changing your expression and posture may help shift your mindset.
To half-smile, first relax your whole face, from the top of your head down to your jaw. If this is hard, tense the muscles first and then let go. Next, let the corners of your lips turn up very slightly. No one else needs to see it. Finally, aim for a calm, peaceful expression. For willing hands, if you are sitting, rest your hands on your lap or thighs with the fingers unclenched and the palms turned up or outward. If you are standing, let your arms hang down, slightly bent at the elbows, with the hands open. If you are lying down, place your arms at your sides with the palms up. You can practice both when you wake up, during free moments, while listening to music, or when you feel irritated.
