~ Prabhgun Kaur, Intern
Have you ever noticed that you can be extremely talkative around your closest friends, quiet around your family, confident in one room and completely self-conscious in another? Maybe you’re the person who makes everyone laugh in college but barely speaks during a formal meeting. Or perhaps you express your opinions freely with some people but carefully choose every word around others. Sometimes you might even wonder, “Which version of me is actually the real me?”
The interesting thing is that psychology doesn’t necessarily consider these different versions of you fake. Human beings naturally adjust their behaviour according to the people, environment, and social situations around them. We are constantly reading social cues—who is listening, whether we feel accepted, what behaviour is expected, and whether it feels safe to express ourselves. This process is sometimes called self-presentation, where we consciously or unconsciously modify how we behave depending on the social setting. In other words, changing your behaviour doesn’t automatically mean you’re pretending. It can simply mean you’re adapting.
Think about the different roles you have in everyday life. You might be a child around your parents, a friend around your closest people, a student in college, and a professional in a workplace. Each environment comes with different expectations, and naturally, different parts of your personality may become more noticeable. You aren’t necessarily becoming a completely different person; you’re showing different sides of the same person.
But sometimes, the change goes deeper than simply adapting.
If you constantly feel that you have to change yourself to be accepted, psychology becomes more complicated. You might laugh at jokes you don’t find funny, agree with opinions you don’t actually share, hide your emotions, or avoid saying what you really think because you’re afraid of being judged or rejected. Over time, constantly adjusting yourself around others can make you lose touch with what you actually want, feel, and believe.
This can be connected to people-pleasing and the need for social acceptance. Humans are social beings, so belonging matters to us. Our brains are highly sensitive to rejection and acceptance because, throughout human history, being part of a group was important for survival. Even today, the fear of being excluded can influence our behaviour. We may unconsciously become quieter around people we find intimidating, more agreeable around people whose approval we want, or more confident around people who make us feel accepted.
This is also where self-esteem can play a role. When we feel secure in ourselves, adapting to different situations usually doesn’t threaten our sense of identity. But when our self-worth depends heavily on how others perceive us, we may start asking ourselves, “What version of me will they like?” instead of “What feels authentic to me?”
Social media can make this even more complicated. We don’t just behave differently around different people anymore; we can create completely different versions of ourselves online. There may be the person we are with family, the person our friends know, and the carefully edited version everyone else sees. Seeing other people’s carefully selected lives can also make us question whether our own personality, appearance, achievements, or lifestyle are “enough.”
However, being authentic doesn’t mean behaving exactly the same way everywhere. You don’t have to speak to your professor the same way you speak to your best friend, and you don’t have to share every thought with everyone. Authenticity isn’t about showing the exact same version of yourself to everyone; it’s about not constantly betraying yourself just to be accepted.
A healthy sense of identity allows flexibility. You can be serious in one situation and playful in another. You can be quiet sometimes and loud at other times. You can change your opinions as you learn and grow. None of this makes you fake.
The important question is not “Am I the same person around everyone?”
It’s “Do I still recognize myself underneath all these different versions?”
If you can express different sides of yourself while still knowing your values, boundaries, feelings, and beliefs, you’re probably adapting—not pretending. But if you constantly feel exhausted from performing, afraid that people won’t like the “real” you, or unsure who you are without other people’s approval, it may be worth taking a step back and asking yourself what you’re trying so hard to prove.
Maybe the goal isn’t to become the same person everywhere.
Maybe it’s to become comfortable enough with yourself that you don’t have to disappear just to belong.
