~ Prabhgun Kaur, Intern
Have you ever noticed that you keep finding yourself in the same situation, even when the people and circumstances are completely different?
Maybe you keep choosing friendships where you give much more than you receive. You avoid difficult conversations with your friends, and somehow find yourself doing the same thing at college or work. You may constantly seek approval from people around you, and then notice that you also need the same validation when it comes to your achievements. You change the situation, the people, even the environment—but somehow, the pattern follows you.
It can leave you wondering, “Why does this keep happening to me?”
Sometimes, the answer isn’t that life keeps giving you the same situation.
You may be repeating the same response.
Our brains learn from experience. When we repeatedly respond to something in a particular way, that response can become familiar and automatic. Past experiences can shape our expectations, beliefs, emotional reactions, and behaviour. Psychologists sometimes describe these deeply held patterns as schemas—mental frameworks through which we interpret ourselves, other people, and the world around us.
For example, imagine someone who grew up feeling that they had to be perfect to receive approval. As they grow older, that belief may not stay limited to academics. They might become extremely hard on themselves at work, feel guilty when resting, constantly compare themselves with others, and struggle to accept compliments.
The situation has changed.
The underlying pattern hasn’t.
This is also why familiar patterns can be surprisingly difficult to break—even when we know they aren’t making us happy. Familiarity feels predictable. Our brains often prefer what they already understand over something uncertain, even when the familiar behaviour isn’t particularly helpful.
Someone who has learned to avoid conflict may continue avoiding difficult conversations because it temporarily reduces discomfort. Someone who expects rejection may withdraw before getting close to people. Someone who fears failure may stop trying new things. In each case, the behaviour can provide short-term relief, which makes the brain more likely to repeat it.
And that’s how a pattern becomes a cycle.
Trigger → familiar thought → familiar reaction → temporary relief → pattern becomes stronger.
The first step toward breaking a pattern is therefore not simply telling yourself, “I need to change.”
It’s learning to notice the pattern.
Ask yourself:
“Where else does this happen in my life?”
Maybe you notice that you don’t speak up when you’re uncomfortable—not only with friends, but with family, teachers, and colleagues too. Maybe you realize that you constantly seek reassurance in relationships and also need constant confirmation that you’re doing well academically.
Finding the common thread can be incredibly revealing.
The next step is to identify the thought underneath the behaviour. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid will happen if I don’t respond in my usual way?”
Maybe it’s “They’ll be angry with me.”
Maybe it’s “People will think I’m not good enough.”
Maybe it’s “If I fail, everyone will judge me.”
Once you understand the belief, you can begin questioning it rather than automatically obeying it.
Then comes the hardest—and most important—part:
Try something different.
If you normally stay silent during conflict, express your feelings calmly. If you usually avoid something because you’re afraid of failing, take one small step toward it. If you constantly seek reassurance, try sitting with uncertainty for a little longer.
You don’t have to completely transform yourself overnight.
Breaking a pattern often begins with one small response that is different from your usual one.
And don’t expect the new behaviour to feel natural immediately. When you’ve followed the same pattern for years, changing it can feel uncomfortable—even when the change is healthy. Discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing something wrong. Sometimes it simply means you’re doing something unfamiliar.
It can also help to write your patterns down. Notice the situation, what you thought, what you felt, what you did, and what happened afterward. Over time, you may start seeing connections that weren’t obvious before.
And if a pattern feels deeply rooted, repeatedly affects your relationships or daily life, or is connected to painful past experiences, talking to a mental health professional can help. Therapy can provide a safe space to understand where these patterns came from and learn healthier ways of responding.
Most importantly, don’t blame yourself for having a pattern.
You developed certain ways of responding for a reason. At some point, they may have helped you cope, protect yourself, or feel safe.
But something that once helped you survive a situation doesn’t necessarily have to control every situation that comes after it.
Your past may have taught you the pattern.
It doesn’t have to decide what you do next.
