~ Prabhgun Kaur, Intern
Have you ever watched a movie where someone is completely obsessed with their love interest and thought, “I wish someone loved me like that”? The constant attention, dramatic gestures, intense jealousy, endless messages, and the idea that someone would do absolutely anything just to be with you can look incredibly romantic on screen.
But imagine experiencing the same thing in real life. Someone constantly asks where you are, expects immediate replies, becomes uncomfortable when you spend time with other people, wants to be involved in every part of your life, or struggles to give you personal space. Suddenly, what seemed romantic on screen might feel overwhelming.
So, why do we sometimes desire obsessive love in fiction but step away from it when it becomes real?
The answer may have less to do with wanting obsession and more to do with what obsession represents to us.
When movies portray someone as completely devoted to another person, they often turn that behaviour into a symbol of being deeply wanted. Jealousy becomes proof that “they care.” Constant attention becomes “I’m important to them.” Extreme devotion becomes “I’m irreplaceable.” We may not actually want someone to control us; we may simply want to experience the emotional security of knowing that we matter deeply to someone.
We don’t always crave the behaviour. Sometimes, we crave the feeling underneath it.
Fiction gives us intensity without the consequences
There is another important difference: when we watch a movie, we experience the relationship from a safe distance.
We get to see the passionate messages without having to answer them. We see the dramatic jealousy without having to manage someone’s insecurity. We see grand declarations without having to deal with the expectations that might come with them.
Real relationships don’t offer that distance.
In real life, intense attention can come with pressure. Someone wanting to know where you are may initially feel flattering, but it can become uncomfortable when you realize you are expected to explain your every move. Constant communication can feel exciting until you realize you are anxious about replying quickly enough. Jealousy may initially look like affection, but repeated jealousy can become controlling.
The fantasy allows us to experience intensity without responsibility. Reality makes us experience the whole relationship.
We sometimes confuse intensity with intimacy
Romantic stories often make love look powerful because it is dramatic. The more emotional the relationship becomes, the more important it appears.
But psychological closeness doesn’t necessarily come from emotional intensity.
Intensity can happen quickly. Intimacy takes time.
Intimacy develops when two people gradually learn about each other, communicate honestly, respect boundaries, handle disagreements, support each other’s growth, and feel safe enough to be vulnerable.
A person saying “I can’t live without you” may sound romantic in a movie. In a healthy relationship, however, it is also important to be able to say:
“I love you, but I respect that you have a life outside this relationship.”
That difference matters.
Why does healthy love sometimes feel less exciting?
If someone repeatedly consumes romantic content where love is portrayed as dramatic and all-consuming, they may unconsciously begin to associate emotional intensity with love.
As a result, a calm relationship can sometimes feel less exciting.
There is no constant jealousy. No dramatic fights followed by dramatic reunions. No endless declarations of devotion.
It may simply be two people communicating, respecting each other, spending time together, and continuing to live their individual lives.
That doesn’t necessarily mean something is missing.
Sometimes peace feels unfamiliar when we’ve learned to recognize love through intensity.
This doesn’t mean movies are responsible for unrealistic expectations on their own. Our personal experiences, attachment patterns, culture, social media, and previous relationships can all influence how we understand love. Fiction is simply one of the many places where we learn romantic scripts.
So what should we actually look for in love?
Instead of asking, “Is this person obsessed with me?”, it may be healthier to ask:
Do I feel respected?
Can I say no without being punished emotionally?
Can I spend time with my friends and family?
Can I have personal space?
Can we disagree without fearing that the relationship will fall apart?
Do I feel secure enough to be myself?
Healthy love doesn’t require you to give up your independence to prove that you care.
And if you notice yourself craving obsessive love, it may be worth asking what emotional need is underneath that fantasy.
Do you want to feel chosen? Reassured? Important? Safe? Irreplaceable?
Once you understand the need, you can look for healthier ways of meeting it.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying dramatic romances in movies. Fiction is meant to create strong emotions, and fantasy can be exciting. The important thing is knowing that what makes a relationship compelling on screen isn’t always what makes one healthy in real life.
Perhaps what many of us are really looking for isn’t obsession at all.
We want to be deeply loved without being controlled, wanted without being possessed, and chosen without having to lose ourselves.
Because healthy love doesn’t have to say, “You are my entire world.”
Sometimes the healthier message is much quieter:
“You matter deeply to me—and I still want you to be completely yourself.”
